Admiring Grace

You set me free. I don’t have to be, That old man inside of me. I’m not who I used to be. Thank God, I’m redeemed. I’ve loved this song since it was released. The simple truth I so often forget. I am redeemed. It’s basic. Essentially basic. But why can’t I remember? So often I find myself slipping into my version of “that old man.” I listened to a sermon awhile ago and the pastor talked about how everyone goes through times of desert. Then he started talking to me. Just make sure you aren’t keeping yourself in the desert any longer than you have to. Longer than you have to. The phrase played in my mind like tacky wordart. Big, bright letters swirling into sentences. Into meaning. Into my life. I don’t have to be like that. I don’t have to do that or hide there. I am redeemed . Bought back. Made better. Set free. Don’t keep yourself in that desert any longer than you have to be there. There is a special kind of grace in this remembering. I...

My natural response to things is anger. I’m a cranky person and it’s very possible that like Nick Miller, I’m aging into my personality. This old soul of mine has its downsides and a big one is not leaving room for other people’s choices. Even the good ones. The best ones. For them . I like knowing what’s coming. Being able to picture and plan. Super type A? Guilty. But as I’ve grown I’ve seen the damaging of pictures and plans. The ones that don’t ever make it out of my head to reality. I’m creative enough to see beautiful things. Fictions. Learning that most will stay far from reality while not letting the flames consume me has been a challenge. I’m not saying I’ve done it. That I’ve made it and here’s my story of success. But that I’m discovering. That I’m starting to recognize the signs of anger rising, burning inside my head and heart – gulp, yep, I’ve got one. What’s kept this battle raging is that it’s hidden. I don’t usually – sorry Mom – bl...

When I started writing this, I wanted to be vague. To be artistic and creative. Something I haven’t done in a long while. I sent the draft to my friend regretted hitting send. It wasn’t honest. And I’m nearly positive it only made sense to me. I talked about invisible bars and sitting and patience as action. And most importantly, I washed out my pathetic attempts to almost heroic. Can I just say, capital letters, FALSE. Stupid is just stupid. No excuses. See, I had this problem for quite some time. Most of my friends new about this situation and they didn’t approve. I didn’t approve. But kept myself in a position where I felt important because part of me needed the attention. And it gets worse. I wasn’t content where I was. I wanted more and more. It wasn’t even a relationship. But I thought it could be. Maybe. In a few years. Just wait and see. Of course, I never waited too much - just enough to hang on and be aware of any changes. It was easy. Ju...

Any prayer requests? That’s how my lit prof always starts class. This morning I was thinking, wishing I were there right now to shoot up my hand. Yes! I have praise! Although, I have to admit, that isn’t how I woke up. It’s finals week. I was cranky and annoyed as well as emotionally drained from writing some pretty personal stories for my two thesis classes. Like normal I reached for my phone to check the time – up before my alarm yet again. This time I had a few text messages. One friend said some things I didn’t want to hear. Just like friends to share that sort of stuff we just have to hope it’s to benefit us, not to sting. I was in a fine mood as I walked out to get started on breakfast. Scrambled eggs would help get me out of that funk right? That’s what I was praying, anyway, just before I shared my news with my roommate as she headed out to class. I brought my computer out to listen to a sermon. Recently in a crisis of emotion I told anot...

I know so many couples. People at church, from school, that I grew up with; people I see while running errands or out with my friends. So. Many. Couples. And I love it. It is so beautiful to see people living out the love they promised before God and before family and friends. What’s less great is how they talk to me, their single friend. There seem to be two spectrums. On the one side they want to set me up with all their bachelor friends and sometimes he turns out to have waited on them once at this tiny restaurant called…but he was cute at least kind of! So I should really let them try because I just really ought to be married too. A coffee outing turns into a pre-proposal they get so excited at the hope of a relationship. Thanks guys, now I don’t have to be desperate, you make it clear I am. The other side tells me the horror stories of their marriages. How he never listens and she quit being interested in him or how all marriage does is make people fig...

Everyone I talk to who is over the age of thirty says no way they would trade places with me. Not because my life is so rampant with complications, but because of this stage of life. Right now I am deciding how far I want my education to go. Where I want to live. What I want to do. Who I want to do coffee  with and who I’d prefer to avoid. Then that coffee thing turns into something and then what? Or it doesn’t and there I am with the exact same set of questions. My roommate’s father once asked me what I wanted to do in life and where - pretty basic before-college-graduation questions. So I thought. I didn’t realize I was being vague until he said that it was good I didn’t have specifics because I couldn’t really decide anything without knowing who I was going to marry. Gee thanks. He didn’t mean to be annoying or rude. But he had a valid point. A lot of my decisions now (ahem, all of them) will have their effects on the rest of my life. Throwing myself into my e...