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A Matter of Convenience

When I started writing this, I wanted to be vague. To be artistic and creative. Something I haven’t done in a long while. I sent the draft to my friend regretted hitting send.

It wasn’t honest. And I’m nearly positive it only made sense to me. I talked about invisible bars and sitting and patience as action.

And most importantly, I washed out my pathetic attempts to almost heroic.

Can I just say, capital letters, FALSE.

Stupid is just stupid. No excuses. See, I had this problem for quite some time. Most of my friends new about this situation and they didn’t approve.

I didn’t approve.

But kept myself in a position where I felt important because part of me needed the attention. And it gets worse. I wasn’t content where I was. I wanted more and more. It wasn’t even a relationship. But I thought it could be. Maybe. In a few years. Just wait and see. Of course, I never waited too much - just enough to hang on and be aware of any changes.

It was easy. Just how I like interacting. No labels, no long term commitments, no anything. Well, besides confusion. That I had in spades.

I’m a control freak who wound up exactly where I thought I’d want to be. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what it was like until I was there. I’ve never been to Paris, but I can tell I’d probably love it. I thought this would be like visiting a beautiful city.

What I didn’t know is in this case I’d be dropped in a foreign city at midnight where no one spoke English.

All I wanted was to go back.

Funny thing about vacations, though; you can’t un-take them.

I’d gone, bull headed into a change that no one wanted. Well, I did. Maybe I ought to say I didn’t understand what was happening. What I was doing. Just keep waiting I’d say. It’ll work out, life always does.

Sitting in the sun eating warm bread I can say that it will work out. Not without pain. Not without change. Not without struggling through signs I couldn’t read. Not without loss. But morning comes. Sometimes after a long while, after we say it is time for the moon to fall and sun to rise.

The initial shining made me long for the comfort of dark. Fortunately I could hear people cheering. I’d done it. Really, finally, done it.


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