Skip to main content

A Matter of Convenience

When I started writing this, I wanted to be vague. To be artistic and creative. Something I haven’t done in a long while. I sent the draft to my friend regretted hitting send.

It wasn’t honest. And I’m nearly positive it only made sense to me. I talked about invisible bars and sitting and patience as action.

And most importantly, I washed out my pathetic attempts to almost heroic.

Can I just say, capital letters, FALSE.

Stupid is just stupid. No excuses. See, I had this problem for quite some time. Most of my friends new about this situation and they didn’t approve.

I didn’t approve.

But kept myself in a position where I felt important because part of me needed the attention. And it gets worse. I wasn’t content where I was. I wanted more and more. It wasn’t even a relationship. But I thought it could be. Maybe. In a few years. Just wait and see. Of course, I never waited too much - just enough to hang on and be aware of any changes.

It was easy. Just how I like interacting. No labels, no long term commitments, no anything. Well, besides confusion. That I had in spades.

I’m a control freak who wound up exactly where I thought I’d want to be. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what it was like until I was there. I’ve never been to Paris, but I can tell I’d probably love it. I thought this would be like visiting a beautiful city.

What I didn’t know is in this case I’d be dropped in a foreign city at midnight where no one spoke English.

All I wanted was to go back.

Funny thing about vacations, though; you can’t un-take them.

I’d gone, bull headed into a change that no one wanted. Well, I did. Maybe I ought to say I didn’t understand what was happening. What I was doing. Just keep waiting I’d say. It’ll work out, life always does.

Sitting in the sun eating warm bread I can say that it will work out. Not without pain. Not without change. Not without struggling through signs I couldn’t read. Not without loss. But morning comes. Sometimes after a long while, after we say it is time for the moon to fall and sun to rise.

The initial shining made me long for the comfort of dark. Fortunately I could hear people cheering. I’d done it. Really, finally, done it.


Popular posts from this blog

I am Redeemed

You set me free. I don’t have to be, That old man inside of me. I’m not who I used to be. Thank God, I’m redeemed.
I’ve loved this song since it was released. The simple truth I so often forget. I am redeemed. It’s basic. Essentially basic. But why can’t I remember?
So often I find myself slipping into my version of “that old man.” I listened to a sermon awhile ago and the pastor talked about how everyone goes through times of desert. Then he started talking to me.
Just make sure you aren’t keeping yourself in the desert any longer than you have to. Longer than you have to.
The phrase played in my mind like tacky wordart. Big, bright letters swirling into sentences. Into meaning. Into my life.
I don’t have to be like that. I don’t have to do that or hide there. I am redeemed. Bought back. Made better.
Set free.
Don’t keep yourself in that desert any longer than you have to be there.
There is a special kind of grace in this remembering. I get to realize all over again how thirst-que…

On Still Moving

Any prayer requests?
That’s how my lit prof always starts class. This morning I was thinking, wishing I were there right now to shoot up my hand.
Yes! I have praise!
Although, I have to admit, that isn’t how I woke up.
It’s finals week. I was cranky and annoyed as well as emotionally drained from writing some pretty personal stories for my two thesis classes.
Like normal I reached for my phone to check the time – up before my alarm yet again.
This time I had a few text messages. One friend said some things I didn’t want to hear. Just like friends to share that sort of stuff we just have to hope it’s to benefit us, not to sting.
I was in a fine mood as I walked out to get started on breakfast. Scrambled eggs would help get me out of that funk right?
That’s what I was praying, anyway, just before I shared my news with my roommate as she headed out to class.
I brought my computer out to listen to a sermon. Recently in a crisis of emotion I told another roommate to listen to Tim Keller; it would…

First in Awhile

The past year or so I have been working with the youth group at the church I grew up in. Such an odd thing to wrap my mind around. The group that in so many ways formed who I am today is something I still get to be there for. Though now I'm the responsible one. The mature one. As our interim pastor says, "the one with all the answers." (He JOKES anyway).
I show up and help lead where I can. Because it's what is needed. And it's a calling I feel I have on my life. To work with young people, to help teach.
The irony is that my journey lately has taken me through a struggle with discipline. Becoming the person I need to be and doing the actions to get me there. I watch my husband and it seems so easy for him while for me often it's a battle ofbut I don't want to
And I have to admit comparisons have only intensified that feeling. It's so easy to sit back and deny what I ought to do in favor of what's right in front of me. 
But I've been so blessed w…