When I started writing this, I wanted to be vague. To be
artistic and creative. Something I haven’t done in a long while. I sent the
draft to my friend regretted hitting send.
It wasn’t honest. And I’m nearly positive it only made sense
to me. I talked about invisible bars and sitting and patience as action.
And most importantly, I washed out my pathetic attempts to
almost heroic.
Can I just say, capital letters, FALSE.
Stupid is just stupid. No excuses. See, I had this problem
for quite some time. Most of my friends new about this situation and they
didn’t approve.
I didn’t approve.
But kept myself in a position where I felt important because
part of me needed the attention. And it gets worse. I wasn’t content where I
was. I wanted more and more. It wasn’t even a relationship. But I thought it
could be. Maybe. In a few years. Just wait and see. Of course, I never waited
too much - just enough to hang on and be aware of any changes.
It was easy. Just how I like interacting. No labels, no long
term commitments, no anything. Well, besides confusion. That I had in spades.
I’m a control freak who wound up exactly where I thought I’d want to be. Unfortunately, I didn’t
know what it was like until I was there. I’ve never been to Paris, but I can
tell I’d probably love it. I thought this would be like visiting a beautiful
city.
What I didn’t know is in this case I’d be dropped in a
foreign city at midnight where no one spoke English.
All I wanted was to go back.
Funny thing about vacations, though; you can’t un-take them.
I’d gone, bull headed into a change that no one wanted.
Well, I did. Maybe I ought to say I didn’t understand what was happening. What
I was doing. Just keep waiting I’d say. It’ll work out, life always does.
Sitting in the sun eating warm bread I can say that it will
work out. Not without pain. Not without change. Not without struggling through
signs I couldn’t read. Not without loss. But morning comes. Sometimes after a
long while, after we say it is time for the moon to fall and sun to rise.
The initial shining made me long for the comfort of dark.
Fortunately I could hear people cheering. I’d done it. Really, finally, done
it.
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