Admiring Grace

A huge problem I find in myself is procrastination. Today I was going to write this post, but when it came time, I decided to instead clean my room. Now I sit on my floor surveying the newly organized room I will leave in a couple of days. And again I think. I really ought to get writing…but really, why; it’s not like there’s a deadline or someone who really needs to read this. BOOM! (God doesn’t show me things quietly; He understands how thick my skull can be and tends to use 2X4’s.) I realized that I don’t write these things for anyone else, I write them for me so I can understand just what is running through my head. So I my thoughts… Sometimes we get to love people for a season; knowing all the while that it is only for a season, that it is not returned; all to be reminded that love is not all about me whomever the ‘me’ may be. The troubling thing with a situation like that is it can lead to bitterness. Knowing how things will turn out in the end does not always change our...

Written December 10, 2011.                            Words are scary things. Their meanings change from ear to ear Yet scary things are needed things. To speak, to say, to more than show The time has come, you - grown No more time to hide behind as shy 'Tis action, forward movement; life's demand Youth no longer excuse may be. While true, words are scary things. There was an all-nighter involved. I spent twelve hours people watching, of course I found things to write about :]

Lately, I’ve been ranting. A lot. Mostly about wimpy Christian boys. Those guys who claim to be followers of Christ, who tell anyone they will do what God calls them to; yet they can’t get up the guts to talk to girls. Not just ask them out, speak to them. This isn’t from some desire to be in a relationship, but it’s annoying when an entire group of people avoid me. My roommate and I were talking about how guys on our private Christian campus have trouble making eye contact with us – notice, I did not say maintaining, I said making. They stare at the ground as they walk by; they look past our heads as they speak with us. These are not shy, awkward homeschoolers. These are regular, guys; guys who are even considered ‘popular.’ What The Heck. Upon talking, my roomie and I realized that between the two of us the number of Christian guys who have asked us out is zero . The only time a Christian man as shown interest in me, is after he knows I have an interest in him. Silly me...

I came across this video not long ago; very thought provoking.

I have learned these past years – well, mostly months – that contentment is not what we ought to seek. To be set exactly as we are is not a helpful venture. We ought to be continuously growing, seeking out what God has for us. They say that change happens to everyone, I am quite sure I have said the exact thing; yet, when it happens to you…it does not seem to matter what others say. The terror is intense. Sometimes, it takes a slap to the face to make a change, other times it takes a cross country move [I got both – within a very short period of time. To be fair, the move has been planned for a few months and it is something I have wanted to do and am enjoying fully; the slap in the face, however, wasn’t picked up by my peripheral vision and did leave a significant welt…]. The past few weeks have been packed with changes. I went from two jobs to zero, the frozen tundra to a town with “Beach” in the name, my family is halfway across the country, and my friend count has significantly...

God’s mercy is what is keeping me here right now. It is what has been molding me these past twenty years; and what will continue to mold me until He decides to call me home. But sometimes, it terrifies me. To know that I fall so short and yet, he loves me. I listened to a sermon tonight by Matt Chandler and he said, “What leads us to discipline? It’s love. The love of Christ compels us, it pushes us, it controls us…Why does the love of Christ compel you? Because you’re dead!” And something clicked in me.  This semester, God has been showing me that above all, He is merciful. Everything that He hands me is because of His mercy. Especially the sufferings I go through. If I were to have everything I want exactly how I want it, I would never know how much I need Jesus. My foundation of joy would be built on everything I have and all I have done. But seeing how quickly things and people I love can be taken away or placed out of reach, I know that nothing I have earned is mine to ...

I originally wrote this July 7, 2010. Today I've been cleaning my room and finding all sorts of treasures, this poem is just an example: Headstrong and alone, no battle too fierce - Every move my own; no blame can I lay - Hazards are many, yet no fear will show. A life all my own - no rules to obey. Say it again, pretend I believe it - Offering falsehood to a debt unpaid... Versed well in facades; myself can't I save? Exposed now to daylight, scum that I am, Redeemer, save me, from all that I am. Cleanse now and clean me, brand new in your sight. Open arms now to meet, as there I run. Motivated now, not by lack of fear, Ever more do I feel it toward You.               Love now is abounding, life with Your fear.

Currently, I am avoiding writing an essay about what stereo type I fit into for my Comp class by writing a letter. Half way through that letter, I am having some guilt for not working on my homework…so I began to think about doing my homework. I’m writing it about how I am a Christian Fundamentalist and what that means in the circle I’ve grown up in vs. what it means when most people hear that phrase. I began to have doubts about my topic rather quickly; especially after some things transpired this weekend… You see, I think my new stereotype should be “Wimp”. It would, again, be a stereotype I fit into quite well. I’ve always taken time to warm up to people when I haven’t seen them in awhile – my grandparents can attest to the fact I’ve had this personality flaw since birth, causing them many hurt feelings. As I get older, it has gotten easier to just speak to most people. But when my opinion of them is high, my pride gets in the way and locks my mouth. While I don’t fear confronta...