Skip to main content

The Song that Spoke

A huge problem I find in myself is procrastination. Today I was going to write this post, but when it came time, I decided to instead clean my room. Now I sit on my floor surveying the newly organized room I will leave in a couple of days. And again I think. I really ought to get writing…but really, why; it’s not like there’s a deadline or someone who really needs to read this. BOOM! (God doesn’t show me things quietly; He understands how thick my skull can be and tends to use 2X4’s.) I realized that I don’t write these things for anyone else, I write them for me so I can understand just what is running through my head. So I my thoughts…

Sometimes we get to love people for a season; knowing all the while that it is only for a season, that it is not returned; all to be reminded that love is not all about me whomever the ‘me’ may be. The troubling thing with a situation like that is it can lead to bitterness. Knowing how things will turn out in the end does not always change our feelings in the now, nor make us more understanding when that end has come. I’ve always been on the more skeptical side of emotion. I tend to doubt the sincerity, especially when the emotions are mine. The verse in Jeremiah, The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” is one I have always relied upon. Obviously I am not anti-emotion; I just prefer to not dwell on what I feel.

I don’t think I was becoming bitter or anything dramatic, but I did not understand why, in spite of knowing how things would end; I would choose to love someone. Usually after thinking that I would berate myself and say that love should never be about self, which I believe, but it is hard to convince one’s self of with a clenched jaw and knitted forehead that we should expect nothing from those we love.

Then, at the beginning of break, I was sitting alone in a friend’s car while she was running errands. The song I’m Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath came on. I believe I replayed it five times – there was quite a line in the post office. I have always been fond of the song, but what caught my attention that day was the verse that sang,

“Well the thing I find most amazing
 In amazing grace 
 Is the chance to give it out
 Maybe that's what love is all about”

Living out grace is why we love. Knowing something is one thing, but being able to articulate it? That shoves it deep into our souls. At least, it did mine; alone in a crowded parking lot on a snowless December afternoon. God, through beautiful chords, let me understand what He had been trying to teach me all along. I am to love those around me as He loves me: unconditionally, without expectation.

Comments

Jessie said…
LOVE YOU! And I want to let you know that your writings may be written for you, but I am positive that they help others see things in themselves also...including me :)

Popular posts from this blog

First in Awhile

The past year or so I have been working with the youth group at the church I grew up in. Such an odd thing to wrap my mind around. The group that in so many ways formed who I am today is something I still get to be there for. Though now I'm the responsible one. The mature one. As our interim pastor says, "the one with all the answers." (He JOKES anyway).
I show up and help lead where I can. Because it's what is needed. And it's a calling I feel I have on my life. To work with young people, to help teach.
The irony is that my journey lately has taken me through a struggle with discipline. Becoming the person I need to be and doing the actions to get me there. I watch my husband and it seems so easy for him while for me often it's a battle ofbut I don't want to
And I have to admit comparisons have only intensified that feeling. It's so easy to sit back and deny what I ought to do in favor of what's right in front of me. 
But I've been so blessed w…

I am Redeemed

You set me free. I don’t have to be, That old man inside of me. I’m not who I used to be. Thank God, I’m redeemed.
I’ve loved this song since it was released. The simple truth I so often forget. I am redeemed. It’s basic. Essentially basic. But why can’t I remember?
So often I find myself slipping into my version of “that old man.” I listened to a sermon awhile ago and the pastor talked about how everyone goes through times of desert. Then he started talking to me.
Just make sure you aren’t keeping yourself in the desert any longer than you have to. Longer than you have to.
The phrase played in my mind like tacky wordart. Big, bright letters swirling into sentences. Into meaning. Into my life.
I don’t have to be like that. I don’t have to do that or hide there. I am redeemed. Bought back. Made better.
Set free.
Don’t keep yourself in that desert any longer than you have to be there.
There is a special kind of grace in this remembering. I get to realize all over again how thirst-que…

The SGB

Sensitive people get to me; in a negative way. I can’t stand the wishy-washy, back-and-forth mindset that seems to pervade their life. The “what ifs” and “if only I’d...” thoughts that consume, if slowly, entire lives, I cannot handle it. I have realized why:

The mass confusion, the chaotic retracing maybes devour me regularly.

Often I call it “stupid girl-brain.” And no, it isn’t always to do with a love interest, but 99 percent of the time it is about some sort of relationship (fam, friends, and love.) The stupid girl-brain has a habit of overanalyzing a situation, a sentence, a look, until every possible meaning has been taken out and looked into for accuracy – according to the stupid girl-brain. Sometimes this even includes adding expressions and words the SGB “knows” the other person meant. My baby sister would refer to this as a face palm moment and as much as I agree with her, I don’t know how to turn off my SGB.

Even as I write this I’m trying to imagine how the people I desp…