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Venturing True Grit

Currently, I am avoiding writing an essay about what stereo type I fit into for my Comp class by writing a letter. Half way through that letter, I am having some guilt for not working on my homework…so I began to think about doing my homework. I’m writing it about how I am a Christian Fundamentalist and what that means in the circle I’ve grown up in vs. what it means when most people hear that phrase. I began to have doubts about my topic rather quickly; especially after some things transpired this weekend…

You see, I think my new stereotype should be “Wimp”. It would, again, be a stereotype I fit into quite well.

I’ve always taken time to warm up to people when I haven’t seen them in awhile – my grandparents can attest to the fact I’ve had this personality flaw since birth, causing them many hurt feelings. As I get older, it has gotten easier to just speak to most people. But when my opinion of them is high, my pride gets in the way and locks my mouth. While I don’t fear confrontation in 98 percent of circumstances, there are certain people that I fear speaking to [this is not the same issue as my disdain for public speaking]. You see, it isn’t that I am afraid of Person A, but rather I respect this person in such a way that I don’t want to be thought dumb or something equally humiliating – whereas in speaking to Persons B-Z, I hardly care what their opinion of me is allowing me to speak freely. So I do nothing. I say nothing. I look away. I move away. I act rudely. I roll my eyes. I can talk for hours via the internet or texting, but face to face I become stoic – frozen in fear.

And sadly, I don’t know how to act differently. I try to be bolder, but end up feeling foolish so the next time I try to speak I end up over thinking to the point that literally nothing will come out of my mouth. If only certain people were aware of the hundred conversations I started in my head but couldn’t work up the courage to actually open my mouth to begin them. I can speak when spoken to, oh how proud the Puritans would be, but initiating a conversation? The chances of my actually accomplishing that are about the same as the odds of winning the lottery in each state over the course of my life.

So what now? Well, I’ve always heard one of the beginning steps is to admit you have a problem; I HAVE A PROBLEM! Check. Next I suppose I’m to reach out to those offended. Half a check, as I sort of reached out. Lastly, common sense says if improvements are to be made, practice is the key. But how? How to practice speaking to a person when all I want at this point is an impossible mulligan for every recent conversation; including those that only happened in my head.

Now that my “Wimp” title is published fact – as well as my skillful multitasking-procrastination… - I must return to my letter, a letter that, because of this very stereotype, I won’t actually be sending. One last thing must be added as a disclaimer of sorts: while there are many things I regret about recent times, all things considered I had an amazing weekend surrounded by amazing people whom I miss terribly.

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