I can write just about anything. Especially when it comes to the important things. I can post it here or write a letter or keep my thoughts in my journal.
I can’t say it though.
Especially the important things.
My brain stops working and my tongue freezes up and nothing happens. I’m all-of-the sudden passive. And I just let the moment pass because that’s how time works and life changes quickly.
I have let a year’s worth of moments pass.
And I’ll never get them back. All the times I could-have-should-have-meant-to slipped by without my permission. Until here I am sure that since I can’t go back in time the forward is forever changed.
So I tried to do other things and switch-up my focus. Anything to not waste more of my time. But my gaze always slides back. Or over. Or wherever just for a glimpse.
I’ve let good things pass by because I can’t, won’t move farther away. I’ll move away all right, but only so far. Until I loose sight then one, two steps back and I finally stop holding my breath. I hurt someone else in my back-stepping. I had real words there, though. Enough to end before it became a lie. But that’s the difference: that was protecting someone. This? This is deeper. So ingrained yet what if words send it flying away? So silence remains. Half-hearted attempts at honesty that lead to frustration then…back again.
The worst of it all? It’s all self-imposed this joke I have become.
I could stop. I could leave. I could never say another word. But I don’t want to. Because as crazy as this drives me, it would break my heart to end it. My distractions have all failed.
And so I continue to speak and to joke and to laugh leaving the most important to quietly spill from my eyes, unreceived.