Skip to main content

Before Me


Ah the glories of a new semester.

The wonder of this being the last.

Rain has fallen nearly steadily since I returned to classes. Almost as if nature itself cannot console itself with the changing tides. That’s been a big theme for the past year. Change. Here I have talked a lot about how receptive I have been to it, but really that’s only a part of the picture.

I don’t publish the things I’ve been learning until long after I’ve realized the lesson is there. At times I am in the midst of it still, but yet, I am far from the beginning.

I’m reminded of that journey as I sit in an unfamiliar place imagining an unfamiliar scene. It would be so simple to just look out the window and picture what I’d like to be there – I so often do. But how often do I look to see what’s there?

What is right before my face.

Not often, I must admit.

It is so much easier for me to dream of something than to admit what I have is, well, what I have. An empty sidewalk is easily a running track for unicorns or an epic battle ripped from my history text. But it is hard to see the rain hitting the empty bricks as just that. When a person walks by, how easy for me to wind them into the drama I have created rather than admit them to their own category – reality.

As I said before, it takes me time to admit where I fall short. I think it’s because I often I have trouble seeing what’s there. I can see what could be there. As in, I see the ‘me’ I’ll probably be in 10 years. The ‘me’ I desire to be in a given circumstance.

The 'me' I am right now?

She’s not all that great.

But she wants to be.

And I suppose that’s the first lesson of 2013. The process, the journey, all the learning and reaching for what seems so unattainable that’s what I want. One day, that ‘me’ will be a reality. Because she’ll be redeemed and heavenly.

But today it’s okay to see soaked bricks.
Who knows, maybe soon they’ll float up into a castle in the sky…
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Journal, a Poem, and a Sermon.

God’s mercy is what is keeping me here right now. It is what has been molding me these past twenty years; and what will continue to mold me until He decides to call me home. But sometimes, it terrifies me. To know that I fall so short and yet, he loves me. I listened to a sermon tonight by Matt Chandler and he said, “What leads us to discipline? It’s love. The love of Christ compels us, it pushes us, it controls us…Why does the love of Christ compel you? Because you’re dead!” And something clicked in me.  This semester, God has been showing me that above all, He is merciful. Everything that He hands me is because of His mercy. Especially the sufferings I go through. If I were to have everything I want exactly how I want it, I would never know how much I need Jesus. My foundation of joy would be built on everything I have and all I have done. But seeing how quickly things and people I love can be taken away or placed out of reach, I know that nothing I have earned is mine to ...
2 comments
Read more

The Song that Spoke

A huge problem I find in myself is procrastination. Today I was going to write this post, but when it came time, I decided to instead clean my room. Now I sit on my floor surveying the newly organized room I will leave in a couple of days. And again I think. I really ought to get writing…but really, why; it’s not like there’s a deadline or someone who really needs to read this. BOOM! (God doesn’t show me things quietly; He understands how thick my skull can be and tends to use 2X4’s.) I realized that I don’t write these things for anyone else, I write them for me so I can understand just what is running through my head. So I my thoughts… Sometimes we get to love people for a season; knowing all the while that it is only for a season, that it is not returned; all to be reminded that love is not all about me whomever the ‘me’ may be. The troubling thing with a situation like that is it can lead to bitterness. Knowing how things will turn out in the end does not always change our...
1 comment
Read more

Inside the Lines

My English class has this reoccurring assignment; its purpose is to force us to learn new words. In all honesty, I couldn’t tell you any of the words I’ve used before this past week. I was asking friends for some difficult/strange words I could use; mostly because I was too lazy to actually go look for them myself. One friend gave some great words I’d never heard of before and will probably never use. The other friend, however, threw out words I’ve known since I was small – tyranny, justice, love. At first I laughed because I thought he was being funny, no way those are difficult words. Than it slapped me across the face like a trout (that’s for you Kellie!) – I use those words a lot, okay, maybe not tyranny, but I throw them around and I don’t really know how to define them. Even when I think I have a plausible definition, it seems to change in the blink of an eye; no decent definition is that pliable. Or is it? I’m afraid that our current culture avoids defining everything, especia...
1 comment
Read more