Skip to main content

Shifting


I can write just about anything. Especially when it comes to the important things. I can post it here or write a letter or keep my thoughts in my journal.

I can’t say it though.

Especially the important things.

My brain stops working and my tongue freezes up and nothing happens. I’m all-of-the sudden passive. And I just let the moment pass because that’s how time works and life changes quickly.

I have let a year’s worth of moments pass.

And I’ll never get them back. All the times I could-have-should-have-meant-to slipped by without my permission. Until here I am sure that since I can’t go back in time the forward is forever changed.

So I tried to do other things and switch-up my focus. Anything to not waste more of my time. But my gaze always slides back. Or over. Or wherever just for a glimpse.

I’ve let good things pass by because I can’t, won’t move farther away. I’ll move away all right, but only so far. Until I loose sight then one, two steps back and I finally stop holding my breath. I hurt someone else in my back-stepping. I had real words there, though. Enough to end before it became a lie. But that’s the difference: that was protecting someone. This? This is deeper. So ingrained yet what if words send it flying away? So silence remains. Half-hearted attempts at honesty that lead to frustration then…back again.

The worst of it all? It’s all self-imposed this joke I have become.

I could stop. I could leave. I could never say another word. But I don’t want to. Because as crazy as this drives me, it would break my heart to end it. My distractions have all failed.

And so I continue to speak and to joke and to laugh leaving the most important to quietly spill from my eyes, unreceived.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Journal, a Poem, and a Sermon.

God’s mercy is what is keeping me here right now. It is what has been molding me these past twenty years; and what will continue to mold me until He decides to call me home. But sometimes, it terrifies me. To know that I fall so short and yet, he loves me. I listened to a sermon tonight by Matt Chandler and he said, “What leads us to discipline? It’s love. The love of Christ compels us, it pushes us, it controls us…Why does the love of Christ compel you? Because you’re dead!” And something clicked in me.  This semester, God has been showing me that above all, He is merciful. Everything that He hands me is because of His mercy. Especially the sufferings I go through. If I were to have everything I want exactly how I want it, I would never know how much I need Jesus. My foundation of joy would be built on everything I have and all I have done. But seeing how quickly things and people I love can be taken away or placed out of reach, I know that nothing I have earned is mine to ...
2 comments
Read more

The Song that Spoke

A huge problem I find in myself is procrastination. Today I was going to write this post, but when it came time, I decided to instead clean my room. Now I sit on my floor surveying the newly organized room I will leave in a couple of days. And again I think. I really ought to get writing…but really, why; it’s not like there’s a deadline or someone who really needs to read this. BOOM! (God doesn’t show me things quietly; He understands how thick my skull can be and tends to use 2X4’s.) I realized that I don’t write these things for anyone else, I write them for me so I can understand just what is running through my head. So I my thoughts… Sometimes we get to love people for a season; knowing all the while that it is only for a season, that it is not returned; all to be reminded that love is not all about me whomever the ‘me’ may be. The troubling thing with a situation like that is it can lead to bitterness. Knowing how things will turn out in the end does not always change our...
1 comment
Read more

Inside the Lines

My English class has this reoccurring assignment; its purpose is to force us to learn new words. In all honesty, I couldn’t tell you any of the words I’ve used before this past week. I was asking friends for some difficult/strange words I could use; mostly because I was too lazy to actually go look for them myself. One friend gave some great words I’d never heard of before and will probably never use. The other friend, however, threw out words I’ve known since I was small – tyranny, justice, love. At first I laughed because I thought he was being funny, no way those are difficult words. Than it slapped me across the face like a trout (that’s for you Kellie!) – I use those words a lot, okay, maybe not tyranny, but I throw them around and I don’t really know how to define them. Even when I think I have a plausible definition, it seems to change in the blink of an eye; no decent definition is that pliable. Or is it? I’m afraid that our current culture avoids defining everything, especia...
1 comment
Read more