Admiring Grace

When I started writing this, I wanted to be vague. To be artistic and creative. Something I haven’t done in a long while. I sent the draft to my friend regretted hitting send. It wasn’t honest. And I’m nearly positive it only made sense to me. I talked about invisible bars and sitting and patience as action. And most importantly, I washed out my pathetic attempts to almost heroic. Can I just say, capital letters, FALSE. Stupid is just stupid. No excuses. See, I had this problem for quite some time. Most of my friends new about this situation and they didn’t approve. I didn’t approve. But kept myself in a position where I felt important because part of me needed the attention. And it gets worse. I wasn’t content where I was. I wanted more and more. It wasn’t even a relationship. But I thought it could be. Maybe. In a few years. Just wait and see. Of course, I never waited too much - just enough to hang on and be aware of any changes. It was easy. Ju

Any prayer requests? That’s how my lit prof always starts class. This morning I was thinking, wishing I were there right now to shoot up my hand. Yes! I have praise! Although, I have to admit, that isn’t how I woke up. It’s finals week. I was cranky and annoyed as well as emotionally drained from writing some pretty personal stories for my two thesis classes. Like normal I reached for my phone to check the time – up before my alarm yet again. This time I had a few text messages. One friend said some things I didn’t want to hear. Just like friends to share that sort of stuff we just have to hope it’s to benefit us, not to sting. I was in a fine mood as I walked out to get started on breakfast. Scrambled eggs would help get me out of that funk right? That’s what I was praying, anyway, just before I shared my news with my roommate as she headed out to class. I brought my computer out to listen to a sermon. Recently in a crisis of emotion I told anot

I have learned these past years – well, mostly months – that contentment is not what we ought to seek. To be set exactly as we are is not a helpful venture. We ought to be continuously growing, seeking out what God has for us. They say that change happens to everyone, I am quite sure I have said the exact thing; yet, when it happens to you…it does not seem to matter what others say. The terror is intense. Sometimes, it takes a slap to the face to make a change, other times it takes a cross country move [I got both – within a very short period of time. To be fair, the move has been planned for a few months and it is something I have wanted to do and am enjoying fully; the slap in the face, however, wasn’t picked up by my peripheral vision and did leave a significant welt…]. The past few weeks have been packed with changes. I went from two jobs to zero, the frozen tundra to a town with “Beach” in the name, my family is halfway across the country, and my friend count has significantly